My eyes start to well up, and my voice shakes. Soon, regardless if I'm careful or not, the tears are running down my face and I can barely choke out another word. I'm not sad, or even just extremely frustrated. I'm fucking pissed. And this crying business? It's doing nothing but piss me off more.
It happened again tonight when I decided to call someone out on how they've been treating me since they found out my sex life isn't approved by them. Luckily, I caught her voicemail and not her directly, but my voice still shaked and I forgot half of what I thought was important to tell her. And when I hung up, I couldn't stop shaking. Fuck, I'm still shaking.
I used to think this was just me. That I was broken because I was child suffering from severe depression and I kept every emotion of mine buried deep inside, so when something extreme happened to me I couldn't help but cry. But nothing I tried could control the tears, or the additional anger I felt for doing something as stupid as cry.
Now I know that this isn't an uncommon reaction at all. But that doesn't help the frustration when it happens. Crying is a sign of weakness in our society. It means you're too invested, too emotional, too much of a silly girl. And that just makes me want to cry some more.
ETA: Hey! Person in the 2nd paragraph just called me back and not only did I not cry but I made clear the rest of what I forgot to add in my message. Woohoo! Now If I could only convince people that, "I'm sorry if that offended you" isn't a real apology. sigh.
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I've been mad enough to cry a couple times in my life. I don't think it's happened in the past decade or so though. To be fully honest, I can't recall the last time I was actually mad, it rarely gets beyond frustration.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you're having trouble with your associates. I will never understand why people care about the consensual sex lives of people they aren't having sex with.
I know right? Her reaction could pretty much be summed up as, "You enjoy having sex? With people you enjoy? Who also enjoy having sex with you? And everyone is honest with each other? Slut."
ReplyDeleteI don't get extremely mad that often anymore. It's usually when someone I trust(ed) does something that really hurts me. I'm fairly open about my life, but it takes me a long time to really let people in and trust them. So when someone I've known for about 6 years now, and who I've given advice to when asked, or been a shoulder to cry on for, or just sat their and let her vent when it was needed, tells me that I use people just because she finally got it into her head that I am in fact poly and that this isn't a phase or whatever the hell she thought it was... yeah that stings more than just a little.
Gah! I need to go find a drinking buddy for tonight so I don't infect the internet with my emo.
I cry when I get angry too, and that just makes me angrier.
ReplyDeleteCome to my party tomorrow night...we can be drinking buddies! Did you get the invite? I sent to your email via facebook...
Cheryl Cheryl Cheryl, I told you a while back I deleted facebook! I shall be calling or texting shortly.
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