My eyes start to well up, and my voice shakes. Soon, regardless if I'm careful or not, the tears are running down my face and I can barely choke out another word. I'm not sad, or even just extremely frustrated. I'm fucking pissed. And this crying business? It's doing nothing but piss me off more.
It happened again tonight when I decided to call someone out on how they've been treating me since they found out my sex life isn't approved by them. Luckily, I caught her voicemail and not her directly, but my voice still shaked and I forgot half of what I thought was important to tell her. And when I hung up, I couldn't stop shaking. Fuck, I'm still shaking.
I used to think this was just me. That I was broken because I was child suffering from severe depression and I kept every emotion of mine buried deep inside, so when something extreme happened to me I couldn't help but cry. But nothing I tried could control the tears, or the additional anger I felt for doing something as stupid as cry.
Now I know that this isn't an uncommon reaction at all. But that doesn't help the frustration when it happens. Crying is a sign of weakness in our society. It means you're too invested, too emotional, too much of a silly girl. And that just makes me want to cry some more.
ETA: Hey! Person in the 2nd paragraph just called me back and not only did I not cry but I made clear the rest of what I forgot to add in my message. Woohoo! Now If I could only convince people that, "I'm sorry if that offended you" isn't a real apology. sigh.